What do you write when you haven’t written for your page in a while? Excuses! I could say that I’ve had writers block, not true, there have been a lot of thoughts run through my brain. I haven’t had time, which too is not entirely true. I’ve had the same amount of 24 hours in every day. Really it’s about not sitting down and making it a priority. The thoughts are not clear enough to be worthy of a read. When did I become the expert of what is worthy to be read? If I type it they will come. Haha, the old Field of Dreams. Really though those that it was meant for will come. They will read and they will say that was just for me. I am beginning to believe that as long is our heart our motive our authenticity is there than it will come of good to someone somewhere. There was a childrens book that was titled When the Little Bug went Kachoo. A story about how everything affects everything.
This morning I went out of my comfort zone and made a video. It was not live that would even be more so out of my comfort zone. I at least wanted to know what I looked and sounded like before I took THAT step. Today I’m going to write on the contents of that video or at least what I wanted to be content.
MY STORY:
Keeping it simple and maintaining some direction without too many rabbit trails.
I was raised on a small farm in Northern California. My dad raised Beef cattle my mom planted a fairly good size garden. As children we participated in both activities. Cleaning the barn, fixing fence, collecting fertilizer, retrieving the cows where they would get out because the fix to the fence was a temporary patch job (hence doing more work, because the job was not done correctly the first time). Shoveling the fallow ground (of course the hard way he didn’t have the luxury of a rototiller or a plow). We would plant the seeds water the garden and pull the weeds maintaining daily what needed to be done for a harvest. All people who have ever worked on a farm or were raised on a farm know it is not automatic. It has to be worked and maintained or you may not eat. There is just so much content to the lessons that can be learned on a farm that it would have to be enough time and space to do it justice here, now.
In school I was a very good student, however this is where my money story began. Growing up on a small farm verses a big farm we didn’t have a lot of money. Growing up on a small farm and not just living in a house you had a lot of responsibilities. Teasing and bullying was normal for me I was an easy target we didn’t have the money for new clothes much of my clothing were hand-me-downs they either were wrong era or ill fitting or both. I therefore was not part of the popular crowd. Some of my teachers from middle school catered to the popular crowd (the bullies). If had enough and would stand up for myself I would be the one punished if the students were mean and destroyed my homework I was the one to get the F for not turning it in. Ignoring my questions or by passing me for something. It fell into my subconscious as “I’m not worthy” later in HS the teachers were not that bad, however a few counselors were. My history teacher wanted to get me placed in the higher history classes as I would blow his Bell Curve away. He was told no multiple times. Later after HS when I went back to visit before leaving California he told me the reason he was given for not getting into the college prep class was specifically because I was a poor mountain kid. The mountain kids that had money that was a different story, but the likes of me would never go to college would never amount to anything and they were not going to waste a college prep class space for me. Even though just about every day after school my junior and senior year I would stop by the office looking for scholarship applications when they did hand them to me I would sit down to discover they were expired. They never handed me current stuff when asked they told me that they didn’t think I would go to college. A funny thing happened my senior year I had taken a test that was mandatory for everyone I believe my junior year and a letter was sent to my school that required them to call me to the office. It was a litter informing the school that on this test I tested in the 98th percentile. I asked what that meant. They said that only 2% in the nation in my age bracket had the level of understanding that I had. To those that didn’t think I would ever go to college, because I was a mountain kid. It doesn’t matter what you think. I walked out feeling a little taller and a little more proud. My history teacher believed that I would be one of the greatest engineers of our time not just an engineer but a great one. I spent 4 years in mechanical and architectural drafting during my 4 years in HS. There was one person that believed in me. Yet I heard the voices of many in my subconscious like a virtual hell that I didn’t even realize affected me. I started in College working nights sharing an apartment trying to carry 24 units to save time because time is money. I wanted to get to the university as cheaply and as quickly as possible. I was not taking Engineering; I had decided to take Wildlife Management. That in itself is a story, a story of compromise. Of course it did not end well. I ran out of money and patience with circumstances. That no matter how hard you work story rolling in my subconscious.
Next stage of like military life the United States Marine Corps; after dropping out of college due to lack of funds. I was going to get to college one way or another. I married and everything changed. I never let go of my dreams of going to college but my priorities where now a family. The GI bill was not in affect when I was in and a program called VEEP was present when the family needed a automobile my husband said you don’t have enough in VEEP to go to college you should just close it out and use it for a family vehicle. BAD, BAD idea sounded good at the time, against what my heart said. Years later if you had cash of any amount in VEEP it could be transferred into a GI Bill long after it was gone. We traveled as a military family trying to start a savings and then having to use that savings with each and every move leaving us with no savings to start over again and again. Many times I lived somewhat as a single parent as my husband was gone more times than he was home. Resourcefulness was a necessity. I went back to school this time to be an RN. During this Time my husband was stationed in Korea and we had to stay behind in the States. My mother came to live with me because she could not live alone and again to afford college I was working nights. Fortitude was not something I lacked. Again I found myself having to quit school as my husband one his return from Korea was being sent to a different base. We could not afford to live in two separate places for me to finish school. When I finally was allowed to come to that base it was one week prior to my class graduating? I had quit the year prior, because I was told not to waste the time and money when I would not be there to finish. Perhaps I was not meant to be a RN.
In moving to New Jersey after the military life which is not an easy transition, I worked briefly in retail. That is not a happy place to be in Northern NJ. I then went in to Banking entry level part time teller. This is where my money story was reinforced in triplicate. I took all that I was raised to know and all the military life had taught me which wasn’t far from what I had been raised to know. Hard work, loyalty, dedication, integrity, team work, pushing yourself and striving always to be better to raise that bar to be willing to sacrifice, these are what makes it happen. Right? Not in the corporate world, just like grade school if you’re not popular hang it up. 8 years working 45 to 56 hours a week at part time status being by passed for positions by people that should not have gotten those positions. I’m not being prideful and arrogant when I say that it was the feeling of those in the office that worked with me believed I should have gotten the position and had to deal with the individuals that got the position. In fact in one occasion while I was training someone for the position I was bypassed for she asked why I did not apply since I already knew most of the job. I told her I had. She felt bad and didn’t understand why I wasn’t picked. I told her she didn’t need to feel bad she did nothing wrong. She applied. She got the job; nothing more. Why would I hold her responsible for being by passed. One position I applied for in the Marketing dept I was by passed because they wanted someone they didn’t have to teach. They hired a young girl who used to go to high school with my daughter and worked with her at a local restaurant for a short time. She had freshly graduated from college in exactly what they were hiring for it had been over 20 years by then since I had worked in a marketing department doing this kind of work. They wanted someone fresh with a college degree. They got her for 3 months then she quit. I won’t get into why, yet another story. There are multiple stories of this happening again and again. These are the stories that happened “To Me”; my money story. It had gotten to the point that the bitterness was setting in deep. For those of you who do not know bitterness leads to disease. Dis-Ease at this point of multiple discriminations blatant ones, some illegal, and harassments, threats; I became ill and was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease. After multiple cancer scares and high blood pressure and depression with multiple other issues that go along side an auto immune disease. The level of pain that I suffered at work had reached an all time high. My brother had passed away unexpectedly after a short cancer diagnoses my husband’s little sister was diagnosed a very close friend committed suicide and I did not have a life it literally was working commuting and eating-sleeping. There was nothing more, every single day.
Time to step back and evaluate what had gotten me here to near death. By this time my sister too had passed away unexpectedly after a short diagnosis. I lost my job, because of sabotage. I know had time to step back and really examine my day to day thoughts and processes. Who exactly sabotaged my job, my life, my health, my money story? Starting with notice what you are noticing. Examine what your thoughts are at the moment. What are our emotions that we are tacking on to those thoughts? Are they healthy for us. Really, when we are angry with someone do they feel bad? No! They are not even thinking about it. All that anger is just setting into our subconscious. So Notice it. Then release it. I am still in the process of making it a habit to notice and release. It is vital to the goal of being healthy and changing that money story after all what do I want more to hold on to the emotion or reach my goal. Is my pain enough to change? Reaching into my conscious mind and examining thoughts help the pantry to the subconscious mind from getting full of unwanted clutter. Now that I can keep clutter out the real work begins cleaning up the clutter already deep in the corners of my mind. They don’t have cob webs they have been moving around in my head for over 50 years. They jump out at every opportunity. When the opportunity arises and it will, because circumstances happen that we cannot control. We get the opportunity to quite them and shrink them to a size that is no longer monsters in my head. Oh they will always be there they are part of who I am and who I have become. They are part of my past they cannot be undone. But they can be tamed. They can be less important to the day in and day out of life. They will no longer have control. They things I have learned grasping from my past. Harvest the good. When growing up on that farm we harvested the good we left that which was not consumable and placed it into the compost to be used as or with fertilizer later. Nothing is ever wasted. The weeds and bugs that did not belong in the garden, we got rid of. They are not part of our goal of a harvest. Are they going to come yes they are part of life. Not all bad bugs are bad not all weeds are bad they are just not part of the harvest don’t let them remain in the garden. It is what it is, accept it. Circumstances happen. The drought, the monsoons, the weeds the bugs, the car breaks down the weasel or fox gets into the hen house and it doesn’t bring back the life that they took holding onto the hate. It is what it is. Allow the good. When anything in life happens, if we allow the good to shine through, if we search for the good even if it is just a glimmer so very, very small; focus on that good. If you do not see it know that you can still learn from it and in that there is good because “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. When we reach for the lessons life has to teach us have them make us better. Allow all the good. Forgive the rest. Releasing the rest, the stuff that just there is nothing left for us to squeeze out of it. Not holding on to the baggage that is not ours to carry. It is healthier mind body and soul to just release and breathe. Forgive the rest.
It is time to make a decree for myself that says: From this day forward I release the money story I had in my past. I will take those things that made me stronger. I will accept that it happened. I will embrace all the good and I forgive the rest. A new money story is being put forth. That all my labor will be a bountiful harvest that there is plenty to eat and to share. That the labor is easy as it is an organized pattern of day to day living, putting priorities in place. The pantry of supply is full, because my harvest is good.
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